News From Rulo

Saturday March 30th, 2024

Good news, folks! The corrupt city council struck a deal with the nice folks from 'The Universal Church of Dudo,' and they are going to allow them to build their new international headquarters right here in Rulo! Just so happens that my good buddy Gary and my wife are now members of the Universal Church Of Dudo! Im really happy they could find meaning in the faith, and connect with the community. Gary is donating his entire salvage yard’s back lot for the worship center to be constructed, and my wife has already become a level 3 Dudo ambassador! She and Gary are even going on a two-week mission trip to Dubai together! I really think these people are good, wholesome, normal folks, and everything was just a big misunderstanding! I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to these kind-hearted people of faith, and reiterate, even though I'm a staunch agnostic, I do believe in others' right to religious freedom. I promise you all that 'News From Rulo' will always remain a safe space for all in the community, and I will no longer be so skeptical of others beliefs.

Jim

Coming 2025!

The New Universal Church of Dudo International Headquarters Rulo, NE

How much can you donate today?

News From Dudo

Yoga Guru Jerry Lee Jenson has agreed to incorporate the juice bar and connecting Yoga Studio with the new worship facility!

Can we put you down for $500?

Thanks

Last weekend, I was talking to my good buddy, Ted, down at the Ye Ole Time Saloon. He had just gotten back from a weekend trip to Las Vegas! Now, Ted was telling me, one night, he was just sitting alone at a random slot machine, feeding it quarters, enjoying the casino ambience, and sipping on a Jack and Coke, when someone tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey cutie, you looking for a good time, big boy?”

Ted turned around, and, goddamn it, there stood our old buddy Herbie from high school. Herbie was freaking shirtless, ripped, six pack with only a bowtie. No one had heard from him in years, and he never showed up at any of the reunions.

Herbie was always a gifted gamer; he often played in Xbox tournaments, World of War Craft, Mario Cart, Super Smash Brothers on N64 and often won first place! One day at school, Herbie found himself cornered by an Air Force recruiter in the lunchroom. Herbie confessed that all he wanted to do was play video games for a living and had not given much thought to the Air Force. To his surprise, the recruiter told him he was in luck! They were seeking young men who could fly the new predator drones. Herbie, eager to serve his country, joined the Air Force right after graduation. He found himself remotely piloting drones in Iraq from Las Vegas and living it up every night.

Ole Herbie would clock in at 5:00 PM at the Air Force command center, hit some remote targets with the drone's “Hellfire Missiles” in Iraq, clock out, and head to the Vegas Strip! Herbie really got to explore all of Vegas: strip bars, casinos, back alleys, tattoo shops—while never really thinking too hard about what he was shooting up with his little nifty joystick and control panel during his shift. What a life he had, getting paid to fly drones and then party every night. Well, one day at the command center, Herbie noticed what his target really was. It seemed to Herbie that he had been incinerating civilians from his little command module and joystick in Las Vegas. After this shift, ole Herbie freakin' lost it as reality set in.

In a fit of despair Herbie went straight to the seediest spot on the Vegas Strip and bought the biggest crack rock he could get. He stayed up for a week smoking that shit, meeting just about everyone on the Vegas strip, telling them all about the drone strikes and atrocities committed by the U.S. military in Iraq.

Well, since ole Herbie was technically AWOL and sobering up, with his giant crack rock dwindling, he needed another way to make money to continue that crack high good time. He just couldn’t face the fact that he had been murdering civilians overseas behind a computer screen with a little joystick in the middle of Las Vegas. So, old Herbie was gonna need to make some quick cash, and that was the moment Herbie started hookin. God bless ya Herbie! Hookin sure beats killing kids with drone strikes!

Jim

Ole Herbie looking sharp!

Poetry

Lying in a Hammock at William Duffy’s Farm in Pine Island, Minnesota

BY JAMES WRIGHT

Over my head, I see the bronze butterfly,   

Asleep on the black trunk,

Blowing like a leaf in green shadow.   

Down the ravine behind the empty house,   

The cowbells follow one another   

Into the distances of the afternoon.   

To my right,

In a field of sunlight between two pines,   

The droppings of last year’s horses   

Blaze up into golden stones.

I lean back, as the evening darkens and comes on.   

A chicken hawk floats over, looking for home.

I have wasted my life.

Sports

Coming in 2025!

Rulo Free Library

We are now carrying multiple copies of “The Book of Dudo”.

Poetry Slam Every Tuesday Night!

Free Delta 8 weed gummies!

Ye Ole Red Brick Bed and Breakfast

Friday Night - Catfish dinner and Coors light special $9.99

Saturday Night - Karaoke and Delta 9 gummy sampler $20 bucks at the door!

Sunday Morning- Tri faith Sunday service for all. CANCELLED

Classifieds

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Yard sale this weekend!

Get ready to get ready for spring at the 6th annual Fund Raiser for Lawn Fest!

Free aquarium headboard!

You haul it outta her you can have it! Call Gary today!

Feral chow dogs on the lose in Rulo Beware!

I was hanging out in my backyard having a glass of wine with the gals when this freaking beast came outta my neighbors yard and it completely demolished my Gazebo and ruined my party! My friends were terrified. Good thing I had Gazebo insurance from the Primo Gazebo Call Center!

Judy K

Music

Hot dang I love me some Swans. I’ve been really deep diving into their massive catalogue this week. The track “Im just a little boy” is great, and also unnerving. Really reminds me of what a “Man Child” I can be sometimes”. Im sure my wife could attest to that! Shit seems like alot of us guys can’t get past that phase, continue our childish, pissing match bullshit all the way to the grave baby!

“Michael Gira has repeatedly stated he took the moniker Swans as it best described the sound he wanted.^[3] Gira's summation of the name follows along the lines of: "Swans are majestic, beautiful looking creatures. With really ugly temperaments.”

Nature

This here is a bumble bee in my hollyhocks! Bumble bees like to nest it existing cavities and debris so its good to leave the garden a bit messy. Below is a great article on the timing of garden cleanup!

For Pollinators' Sakes, Don’t Spring Into Garden Cleanup Too Soon!

By Justin Wheeler on 20. March 2024

“Spring is here. A time when warmer weather naturally turns a winter-weary homeowner’s thoughts towards tackling outdoor chores. The first warm weather of the season may coax us out into the yard, but pollinators in your garden aren’t ready to take a chance on the first warm day.”

https://xerces.org/blog/dont-spring-into-garden-cleanup-too-soon

Letters to the Editor

Dear editor,

That fucking bitch Judy better leave my fucking dog alone! My dog wouldn’t hurt a fly. Judy’s dumb ass climbed up the gazebo when my dog got out and the whole thing collapsed under her weight. Lay off the wine my dog don’t bite. And stop bringing my ex over to spy on me.

Ted

Dear Editor,

The poetry slam at the library was rather lame, even with the free weed gummies. The slam poetry, with its themes about this and that, proved to be tedious, to say the least. Whatever happened to the gritty, working-class Bukowski style poetry? Or that wild Allen Ginsberg shit from back in the day! Nowadays, it seems everything has to adhere to political correctness and such. How about some poetry with substance? Gambling, drinking, and womanizing... These topics have depth. You bunch of dorks probably haven't even tasted a beer, let alone experienced love making with a woman or a man.

Doris Henderson

Free Radio Rulo Episode #13

Shit man the antenna is still getting fixed up on the truck, hope you enjoy this episode from the archives!