News From Rulo

Saturday, April 27th, 2024

The Orchard by Robert Vonnoh

Exciting news, folks! Just got a call from my wife and Gary, and they're having the time of their lives in Dubai. Meanwhile, I've been holding down the fort here in Rulo, working the graveyard shift at the Salvage Yard and managing the micro- green operation between shifts at the Wonder Bread Truck HQ, writing News From Rulo and trying to fix up the ole ham radio antenna.

Turns out, my wife met Mel Gibson's nephew at a nightclub in Dubai and gave him a copy of the musical she's been writing about the Rulo Art Council's triumph over Big Ethanol and the ban of assault weapons at the Rulo Library. Mel Gibson's nephew happens to know Lin-Manuel Miranda of Hamilton fame and called him on the spot! He set up a meeting next week in New York City, so Gary and my wife are flying into LaGuardia from Dubai for the meeting!

Here is a little excerpt of a review Gary is working on for the New Yorker. I really think Gary has knack for reviews like this. Thanks Gary!

"Jim’s wife's musical truly encapsulates the struggles of rural America in late-stage capitalism: corporate greed leading to the dissolution of communities and the replacement of small-town values with big-box agendas. It delves into the absurdity of mechanization as a metaphor, while also expressing hope for a return to matriarchal society, highlighting the weakness of husbands and advocating for women's right to have multiple partners as a metaphor?"

Not sure when they'll make it home, but this seems like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. According to Mel Gibson's nephew, he likes the script so much that he's ready to move forward with casting. My wife even found a really good local Jeff Bridges impersonator to play me!

Poetry

Sylvia Plath
1932-1963

"The Moon
and the Yew Tree"

This is the light of the mind, cold and planetary.
The trees of the mind are black. The light is blue.
The grasses unload their griefs at my feet as if I were God,
Prickling my ankles and murmuring of their humility.
Fumy spiritous mists inhabit this place
Separated from my house by a row of headstones.
I simply cannot see where there is to get to.

The moon is no door. It is a face in its own right,
White as a knuckle and terribly upset.
It drags the sea after it like a dark crime; it is quiet
With the O-gape of complete despair. I live here.
Twice on Sunday, the bells startle the sky –
Eight great tongues affirming the Resurrection.
At the end, they soberly bong out their names.

The yew tree points up. It has a Gothic shape.
The eyes lift after it and find the moon.
The moon is my mother. She is not sweet like Mary.
Her blue garments unloose small bats and owls.
How I would like to believe in tenderness –
The face of the effigy, gentled by candles,
Bending, on me in particular, its mild eyes.

I have fallen a long way. Clouds are flowering
Blue and mystical over the face of the stars.
Inside the church, the saints will be all blue,
Floating on their delicate feet over cold pews,
Their hands and faces stiff with holiness.
The moon sees nothing of this. She is bald and wild.
And the message of the yew tree is blackness –
                blackness and silence.

Vaping is now allowed at the Rulo Public Library!

No AR-15’s please!

Virtual Micro green/ time share seminar with Gary! Sign up now……………..

Police Scanner Log

For all my good subscribers I went ahead and painstakingly transcribed last weeks police scanner chatter for the tri county area! You can thank me by smashing that subscribe button! God Bless and stay safe!

Rulo Police Scanner Log - April 21st-April 27th, 2024

22:00 - Officer Johnson reporting in from the Salvage Yard. All quiet, just some stray dogs wandering around.
22:15 - Suspicious activity reported near Wonder Bread Truck HQ. Possible trespassing, investigating.
22:30 - Officer Smith spotted Bryson Wendel near the Rulo Auditorium. Possible drug activity, approach with caution.
23:00 - Noise complaint at the Rulo Art Council's gazebo. Unruly group causing disturbance, dispersing them now.
23:30 - Officer Brown responding to a domestic disturbance on Airley Road.
00:00 - Vaping complaint at the Rulo Public Library, no AR-15’s allowed, reminding patrons of the rules.
00:30 - Officer Martinez conducting a routine patrol, no unusual activity to report.
01:00 - Virtual Microgreen seminar sign-ups still open, reminding residents to join Gary's session.
01:30 - Officer Johnson reporting in again, spotted a suspicious vehicle near the church cemetery. Investigating further.
02:00 - Rulo Gazette delivery truck stopped for speeding, issuing a warning.
02:30 - Officer Smith responding to a noise complaint at the Ye Ole Time Saloon.
03:00 - Animal control called in to deal with a raccoon rummaging through trash cans on Elm Street.
03:30 - Officer Brown assisting with a vehicle accident on Highway 22, no injuries reported.
04:00 - Officer Martinez patrolling residential areas, all quiet.
04:30 - Officer Johnson reporting in, spotted two individuals near the Orchard. Checking for trespassing.
05:00 - Shift change, Officer Smith taking over patrol duties. All units, stay safe out there.

End of log.

Music/Folklore

This is some classic Bonnie Prince Billy right here, boys! Will Oldham is at his best, being silly. Can’t say I've ever had me some Quail and Dumplings myself, being a strict vegetarian, but my grandma used to tell me a tall tale from the Ozarks about “Duck and Fish”. Something about a new preacher in town being invited over to try the choir director's “Duck and Fish”. And it goes on and on before the preacher finally makes it over for the “Duck and Fish”. He sits down to finally eat it, and it's just some biscuits that you dunk in some gravy and fish it out! Never really was any duck and fish at all! I’ll tell you what!

Sooo well, um yepp. Getting back to my wife's musical, she hopes to cast the real Alan Jackson to play the local Alan Jackson impersonator who was going to headline at the Rulo Art’s Council's gazebo show in protest of big ethanol re-zoning downtown Rulo to industrial. The local Alan Jackson impersonator is currently incarcerated regarding gazebo insurance fraud, got wrapped up in all that shit with corrupt city council member Terry Perry and his fake city planner nephew, anyways who better than the “Real” Alan Jackson to play his own impersonator?

Speaking of Terry Perry and his fraud of a nephew we are holding auditions at the Rulo auditorium this Sunday! Rumor around town is that Gary might be playing himself and trying out for Terry’s city planner nephew. As for an actor to play corrupt city council member Terry Perry what do you all think about a Steve Bushemi look alike?

Jim

This and That

2024 Census

Human Population: 144

Stray Canine Population: 250

Recent census results indicate there are more stray dogs in town than people! Trained volunteers and animal control officers carried out the census last weekend systematically documenting the number of stray dogs encountered during the survey period via catch and release.

In my naivety, I hired Bryson Wendel to mow my lawn. I am good friends with his mother, so I thought I'd give him a chance. He showed up a bit late and, looking dazed and disoriented, he slowly got out the weed whip and did some edging. Ran out of gas and fussed with a tangle of trimming string and quickly gave up, sat down on the mower, smoked a big spliff for about half an hour, drove off and never came back! I highly encourage you not to hire this young man for any such lawn services.

Jan F.

Nature

My good buddy Jerry told me he was talking with a guy who wants to remain anonymous down there at the Ye Ole Time saloon last weekend and this “John Doe” was telling Jerry what he use infrared night vision goggle to hunt morels! Take it or leave it folks! I ordered a pair of military grade goggles last night!

Weather

Lots of tornados yesterday in Nebraska! Stay safe everyone! I was streaming Ryan Hall Y’all all day and from the basement, excellent coverage 10 outta 10.

Tornado April 26th near Omaha!

Letters to the Editor

Greetings Free Radio Rulo and the Church of Dudo!  

I’m a member of an advance special forces team from the Pleiades, investigating how our original seeding here of humans ended up going the way it went? What seemed so perfect for a new colony turned out so unexpected that it caused our scientists back home to wonder if our frozen embryos, after hatching on Earth, were tampered by a different not so happy alien race somewhat like the Kingons in the Star Trek tales. For how humanity turned out was nothing like anything the Seven Sisters races had imagined in our wildest dreams! Our mission here, perhaps impossible, is to try to find out what actually happened and then try do something about it, because the Pleiades races know for a fact that what some Earthlings call karma, we Pleiadeans don’t want to visit our home planets because of something we set in motion and perhaps should have stuck around longer to make sure it got off to a good start.  Perhaps if we can figure out what went wrong, we can repair it somewhat.  We searched for Earthlings to help us in our investigation, and we did find a few here and there who somehow seemed to have dodged the brunt of the damage most of our distant cousins on Earth now experience, and one of those places we found is your Free Radio Rulu and its Church of the Dudo. We hope you will grant us an audience and allow us to use your facilities and technology, perhaps augmented somewhat by our technology, to broadcast our frequencies, which your scientists confuse with various space noises, and also our messages in your English language, which seems to be the main language on Earth today, although the way things are going, that may change in time. So, what do you say? Do you want to join us? It won’t cost you any what you call money, and who knows how it might go? We certainly don’t have what Earthlings sometimes call a crystal ball. You can call me Star Man, if you like, since my Pleadean name is unpronounceable in any modern human language, and if you might wish to watch, if you did not yet do so, the South American film, “Man Facing Southeast”.

S.

Hey Townies,

We live up on Airley Road and our cousin gave us his old VW bug, it wasn't working anymore so we thought it would be a hoot to put it up in a tree minus all the heavy parts and we did. It was yellow and we painted a big white circle on the door with a 17 in it to make it look like a race car up there in the tree! Everybody driving on Airley could see it. Now a week ago it disappeared but the tree is still there. We figured some guys that live over at Maple Grove must have stole it overnight. They say no it wasn't them. We figured it would turn up somewhere since it didn't have an engine or even a drive shaft! Now people are coming up and telling us they've seen it racing around on the dirt roads late at night and no one at the wheel! Are you townies behind this.? We want our car back pronto!

M.