HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey y’all big Jim here you won’t believe it but the Rulo library took 3 months to order in “The Complete Works Of H.P. Lovecraft and now I’m trying to read the shit and I don’t understand a lick of it. Also, that fucking Gary stole my Kumbucha recipe and is telling everyone at all the holiday parties that he came up with it. Some fucking friend he is! Reminds me of the time he got my new fishing kayak stuck in the mud. That dickhead Gary was so blasted on special K, he thought he was at the mall of America.
Despite all this Gary and I are still planning on attending the wealth diversification/ testosterone replacement seminar next weekend in Des Moines. Gary thinks I should cash in my stockpile of precious metals for crypto. Really, I’m open to anything and Gary has never led me astray before, at least when it comes to my financials and what have ya. May you prosper in all realms in this New Year, health and wealth!
Cheers!
Jim
Look I aint proud… but I just got done scarring up another toilet at the Casey’s gas station. And not on purpose like the last time.… more like, you ever go in there and the seat is loose and you sit down and it pinches you and you jump like you seen a ghost… yeah.
So I get home and I’m tryin to get my life straightened out becuz I got this swamp gal comin’ up from Jacksonville. Last time she visited she tried to pet a snapping turtle like it was a puppy. I like her… but she is a whole situation. So I’m sittin there thinkin I gotta grill this striper I caught the other day right, give the bed a good fluffing, and maybe sweep the cat litter out of the entryway.
Then the mail comes. There’s a suspicious package at the house. No return address I recognized, either it’s somethin illegal or it’s somethin weird from somebody that needs Jesus. Then I remembered it was probably a package my buddy Nick ordered off the dark web and had delivered to my address. Crazy Nick trying to throw the feds off. I aint being no part of this.
Right when I’m standin there squintin at the package, checking my six, thinking about opening it up and taking a few of them mail ordered dark web disco biscuits, who rolls up… The mystic redneck lawyer.
The dude wears boots that cost too much, talks about “case law” and also “signs from the universe” in the same sentence. One time he got a guy outta a DUI AND blamed it on Mercury being in retrograde. I’ve seen it.
He gets outta his truck, looks at the package, nods real serious and goes “yep… that’s either trouble or providence.”
He then goes “we might need an offering.”
And I’m like “an offering of what, man.”
He says, dead serious, “blood… to the sun deity.”
I said “why does the sun deity need anythin from me, I pay taxes.”
He goes “the sun deity does not accept your W-2 energy.”
This is why he’s a lawyer and I’m not.
So then he starts doin his little mystic routine, walkin around my porch, sniffin the air, like he’s trackin a ghost. Then he points at my cooler and goes “you got bait?”
I said “I got catfish stink bait, yes.”
He goes “perfect.”
I said “absolutely not, I am not doin some backyard ritual, I got a woman comin up from Florida and she already thinks Nebraska is made up.”
He goes “she’s from Florida, she’ll understand ritual.”
Cant argue that too hard. And if the sun deity’s watchin… I hope it understands I tried.
Sincerity,
T-Money the 3rd
Tony Jenson was back in town for Christmas! He attended the Christmas eve service with his parents. He has a great job at the business company in Omaha selling business supplies across Nebraska . He is still single ladies! He enjoys frisbee golf and sports, and fantasy football. Give him a call ladies he is on the socials.
The Rulo New Years Eve Fireworks finale was delayed when an unknown intoxicated individual emerged from the banks of the Missouri River and tripped over a power cable disabling the control panel. Thank god the unidentified individual is rumored to be an out of towner, visiting family for the holidays. Better luck next year!
2026 Feral Chow Count Failure
It is with a heavy heart that I have to inform you that despite the efforts of multiple citizen volunteers, 24 hours of surveying, lots of hot chocolate, and holiday cheer, the 5th annual Christmas Feral Chow count has come up short: zero, zilch, nada, none. Though no Chows were observed, multiple tumbleweeds were. A vote will be held by the city council to explore the possibility of a ‘tumbleweed count’ next year.
Great news folks! I gotta a “real job”. Ill been delivering some of that fiddle faddle to the new data center’s vending machines! I went ahead and got my CDL so I can drive the truck. Cross your fingers I can pass the drug test! Job has its perks, infinite data and unlimited snacks!
A POEM BY JIM
I was out on highway 77
Again
With a busted ole Fender Strat
… knock off
Concerned for my safety
Waiting for my Larry to pick me up
And find the Rat King
The Rat King went missing on New Year’s Eve
Fell in the lake or something
Thinking it was frozen
Must have been reading them darn Rat King poems again
Under a waxing gibbous moon
Smoking dope in his Snoopy pajama pants
Shirtless
Death from exposure is said to be heroic
You ever seen them outdoor adventure documentaries?
Since I live in a deep red MAGAT county north of Birmingham, with a real sho nuff country witch, who was born sentient two months early on Christmas Day, and she remembers when she escaped Salem, and since I don’t recall ever being in Nebraska, except passing through a small piece of it into Missouri once upon a time, and much later wishing I was in Rulo in an old Wonder Bread truck radio station, drinking Pabst Blues with Old Jim and the gang-stars, there ain’t a whole heap of Rulo lore I’s can contribute to the irreverent dark comedy theater and goings on in that Wonder Bread truck, but, treating this as a letter to the editor, I sure do hope The Real News and Low Down and poetry from Rulo continues at least until The Mother Ship takes mercy on The Witch and this here Star Man, and She fetches us back into her heavenly bosom.
Means whilst, iffens there still be any interest in American politics, rhymes with one flew over the cuckoo nest, please consider the real definition of Trump derangement syndrome: Trump is deranged, thus any who support him is deranged. The same can be modified for Biden derangement syndrome. Wishin’ ya-ll a merry American Christ-mas that actually would get attaboys from Jesus in the Gospels iffens he was here to do that, please cornsider, not a typo, what I saw on Facebook the other day: Christians stole Christmas day from the Pagans, and Capitalists stole Christmas day from the Christians. Hee, haw! Y’all come back now, ha heah?
And iffens anyone watching on wants to learn about how the Pleiadeans saved humanity from itself in a parallel Alabama dimension, they kin use the links below to read the free ebook romp novel Kundalina Alabama (A Strange Tale) (1992) and its belated, much shorter saucy sequel, Kundaina Resurrection Return of the Pleiadeans (2025):
https://archive.org/details/kundalina
KUNDALINA (A Strange Tale) : Jake Carruthers; Sloan Bashinsky : Free Dow...
https://archive.org/details/kundalina-resurrection-return-of-the-pleiadeans_202503
Kundalina Resurrection Return Of The Pleiadeans : Sloan Y Bashinsky : Fr...
Grumpy Old Star Man and The Reincarnated Salem Witch
P.S. Now don’t y’all brother and sister Rulo lovin’ loonies never fergit that Eve did exactly what she was designed to do, because she was curious and adventuresome, and Adam was kinda boring, actually.
Possibly the finest News from Rulo ever. And that's saying a lot.
This here from the Wonder Bread Truck, which caused The Country Witch and me to laugh so hard that we nearly peed in our pants, inspired me to retaliate by creating the "The woke and the un-woke really do need Free Rulo Radio post at my Substack Newsletter.
https://sloan.substack.com/p/all-ye-woke-and-un-woke-really-do