Ted and Wayland

Last weekend I was supposed to go ice fishing up in Iowa with my good buddies Ted and Waylon. I was supposed to pick them up on Friday night but as luck would have it, when I got to their place they'd already gone through a whole pallet of PBR. Not only were they completely hammered, but they were dressed head to toe in camouflage. Ted’s sister Tina was doing their Camo face paint in the living room. I said god damn it Ted and Waylon what do you need all that camouflage for we're just going fishing.

So in a series of grunts and slurs they explained in full detail their plan, to sneak up and steal the game wardens brand new mechanical decoy deer. This wasn’t just any decoy deer, this was remote controlled and designed to catch poachers. Now we just knew Waylon would be kicked out of the National Guard if he got in any more trouble. Me, being completely dumbfounded by the whole situation said, well what the hell do you need? What the hell are you gonna do with a state-of-the-art decoy deer?

It probably has a GPS tracking device on it. Most likely has infrared fucking night vision boys! At this point, Ted and Waylon were completely incoherent. Ted having Waylon in a choker hold while Waylon yelled obscenities at us all. After Ted and Waylon's tussle, things calmed down a bit and they decided to continue with their secret plan. Disregarding Ted’s sister Tina and my warnings, Ted and Waylon decided to load up into Waylon's lil dune buggy.

Tina being half lit up herself decided she could stop the insanity by jumping on the hood of the lil red dune buggy. This didn't seem to faze Waylon who accelerated for three blocks while Tina clung to the hood. When the buggy finally slowed to a stop, Tina tore open the passenger door and punched her brother Ted square in the face. Ted fell out of the dune buggy and vomited in the middle of the intersection, while Tina took her place next to Waylon in the rear. At this point, Waylon and Tina were in a full-on domestic dispute. As Tina was pleading with Wayland to abandon the plan, it only seemed to encourage Wayland to accelerate the vehicle. Headed west out of town on Highway 8, a state patrol officer clocked them at about 99 miles per hour. One state patrol officer radioed another, and they set up a spike strip a couple miles ahead.

At that point Tina and Waylon were arguing so bad they didn't even notice they had blown out all their tires in the spike strip and they drove another three miles before they even saw the lights in their rear view mirror.By the time they finally got pulled over, the police officer came up to knock on the window and come to find out it was Waylon's buddy from the National Guard, old Jed. Now you'd think after a high speed chase a police officer would be reading a person's their miranda rights and handcuffing them and what have you, but all old Jed could say was “I never seen a dune buggy go 99 miles per hour.” Tina being at Wits end immediately went into a tirade blaming the whole ordeal on her brother Ted, and disclosing Ted's plan to steal the game wardens mechanical decoy deer. So the next morning Ted woke up in his front yard, in full camouflage face paint looking up at a state patrol and the deputy sheriff who said “Ya know there's one thing I can't figure out Ted. How the hell were you two gonna fit that mechanical decoy deer, in that little red DUNE BUGGY?”